Things kids say and do

I usually do not notice how chatty and vocal as well as physical and adamant my children can be. I don't really know if it's just because they have me all the time to listen and attend to them and vice versa. Is it perhaps because they always have each other to communicate, interact and have activities with; all five siblings and they so happen to love spending any given free time together? Well, perhaps all that and simply put, Allah's gift of profound linguistic ability and "aqal", something that separates us from animals....Wallahu'alam.

Two weeks back my 4th was attempting and struggling to carry his younger sister up above the window sill level to observe something out of my bedroom window. Amidst all the struggle, he managed to blurt out, "Ummi, she is too heavy for me to carry her!" To which I said, "It's okay, just put her down". To my surprise, he continued to struggle and managed to do it, "It's okay, I can try...urghh...I did it!"

So the little one peered out the window and was delightfully screaming, "There, there, twuck, twuck!" He eventually put her down safely and said. "I'm so tired now!" He flopped down on the floor and his sister gave him a big hug that nearly toppled him!

As I watched them I asked him, "You're tired, but thank you. I think she liked what she saw".
Still flat on the floor, "Yes, I had to carry her because she's too small. She needed to see the truck". Wow, "needed". Emphasis and all.

And the little one patted the brother's head (as one of her 'thank you' gestures) and said, "Twuck, there", pointing out the window. Sweet.

He's three and a half years old and she's nearly 2. I hope I'll still have more of these moments in the years to come....

My pregnancy stories (English version will be available soon)

Inilah "al-kisah" saya yang panjang dan lebar! Saya memang mengalami dysmenorrhea (senggugut) tahap serius sejak remaja. Ada masalah "hormonal imbalance" dan Gynae mengatakan sama ada saya sukar mengandung/tak dpt zuriat/mudah keguguran.

1999

Ketika ini saya bekerja sepenuh masa sebagai Eksekutif Komunikasi Korporat. Saya mengandung anak sulung dan ia dianggap uneventful pregnancy. Yang sulung lahir seberat 2.3kg (low birthweight baby) pada minggu ke-37 secara normal. Fully breastfed sehingga usia hampir 3 tahun.

2001

Mengandung anak kedua. Masih bekerja sepenuh masa di KL. Saya tidak sedar saya mengandung sehingga usia kandungan 12 minggu, kerana lactation-induced amenorrhea. Masih meneruskan penyusuan sehingga usia kandungan 7 bulan, disarankan berhenti kerana saya mengalami contractions. Yang kedua lahir ketika kandungan berusia 38 minggu, seberat 2.78kg.  Saya meneruskan penyusuan susu ibu sepenuhnya sehingga 2 tahun 3 bulan, sebahagiannya secara tandem nursing bersama kakaknya.    

  

2002

Saya sudah punyai dua org anak perempuan, saya meletak jawatan dan kami berpindah ke Brunei pada April 2002 kerana mengikut suami yang dihantar bekerja di sana. Saya disahkan mengandung kali ketiga hujung tahun tu. Pada minggu ke-11 mula pendarahan dan gugur pada minggu ke-14. Saya keluar masuk hospital Panaga, Brunei beberapa kali setiap kali turun darah. Namun D&C tak dibuat kerana gugur habis (complete abortion).

2003

Saya mengandung lagi. Pemeriksaan dibuat di hospital Kuala Belait, Brunei. Kali ini pada scan minggu ke-10 disahkan kembar. 2 jantung dan dua kantung. Kembar tak seiras. Tetapi pada minggu ke 12, pendarahan bermula, bila diperiksa, satu jantung sudah tidak berdegup lagi dan saya mengalami mild contractions. Saya ditahan di hospital seminggu, keluar "clots" namun bayi satu lagi masih hidup. Saya dibenarkan balik ke rumah, tetapi masih turun darah dan diarah untuk bedrest. Pendarahan berterusan tetapi bayi satu lagi masih dalam keadaan baik, setiap 2-3 minggu sekali saya dimasukkan selama beberapa hari di hospital kerana turun darah yang banyak dan keluar "clots" atau kerana “contractions” yang kuat.  Beginilah keadaan saya dari minggu ke-13 hingga minggu ke-18 apabila tiba-tiba saya hampir pitam kerana keluar pendarahan banyak dan ada keluar “clots” lagi. Saya dimasukkan ke hospital lagi dan diarah bedrest sambil diperiksa tiap2 hari oleh pakar. Rupa-rupanya dah berlaku dilation sebanyak 2cm dan air ketuban sudah mula bocor. Saya juga menerima satu pint darah kerana tahap hemoglobin saya turun.

Akhirnya setelah dua minggu terlantar, pada awal pagi 18 Ogos 2003, anak saya, gugur/lahir (stillborn) dengan berat 480gm dengan cukup sifat pada minggu ke-20 dan dikebumikan di Brunei. Saya melalui D&C utk memastikan semua uri dan kantung kembarnya juga dibersihkan. Alhamdulillah, saya pulih secara fizikal. Kami sekeluarga sedih namun redha dan pasrah. Saya berpantang sendirian kerana tiada ahli keluarga berdekatan, sekadar kawan-kawan seMalaysia yang banyak membantu. Anak-anak gadis saya masih terasa sehingga kini betapa sedihnya masa tu sebab sudah bersedia menyambut adik lelaki mereka setelah saya keluar hospital. Sebaliknya kami sekeluarga terpaksa ke tanah perkuburan.... Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiuun.

2005

Setelah pulang dari Haji awal tahun itu, saya disahkan mengandung lagi. Alhamdulillah, hingga minggu ke-10 masih kuat. Namun masuk minggu ke-11, saya mula turun darah dan sekali lagi kehilangan bayi saya pada usia kandungan 13 minggu. Saya melalui D&C lagi, kali ini di Jerudong Park Hospital, Brunei.

2006-2007

Kami masih lagi di Brunei. Saya mengandung lagi dan terus diletakkan dalam kategori “high risk” dan diberi hormon “Duphaston” untuk menyokong kandungan. Alhamdulillah, hanya ada sedikit pendarahan berlaku pd minggu ke-12 tetapi seterusnya kandungan semakin kuat malahan saya dapat teruskan menjadi adult swimming instructor sehingga kandungan masuk minggu ke-36. Pada minggu ke-38, anak ke-3 saya lahir seberat 2.9kg setelah saya mengalami sakit bersalin dan berada selama 3 hari di hospital kerana kepalanya dah engage tetapi tersangkut kerana kepalanya bersaiz besar. Alhamdulillah, dia lahir secara normal tanpa bantuan sebarang ubat penahan sakit dan sebagainya.

2008-2009

Pada Oktober tahun ini saya disahkan mengandung lagi. Scan minggu ke-9 menunjukkan ada dua jantung dan dua kantung. Kembar lagi! Alhamdulillah, semua lancar sehingga minggu ke-14 apabila berlaku pendarahan teruk. Saya ditahan selama seminggu sehingga disahkan satu jantung sudah tiada lagi. Walaupun masih turun darah, saya dibenarkan pulang dengan syarat meneruskan “bedrest”. Saya tidak lagi memandu untuk menghantar atau menjemput anak-anak sekolah. Bayangkanlah bagaimana untuk mendapatkan “bedrest” sepenuhnya dengan 3 orang anak (yang ketiga berusia hampir dua tahun), sambil menguruskan rumahtangga. Saya tidak pernah ada pembantu, jadi saya buat apa yang saya mampu, Alhamdulillah, anak-anak rajin membantu.

                Saya keluar masuk hospital 2-3 minggu sekali selama 4-5 hari setiap kali kerana turun darah terlalu banyak dan terpaksa dimasukkan IV serta bayi diperiksa. Anak-anak suami uruskan, siang hari anak ke3 bersama saya dihospital, malam balik dengan Ayahnya. Begitulah rutin setiap kali saya masuk hospital, tak pastilah berapa kali!

                Pada  minggu ke-23, tiba-tiba saya rasa ada kebocoran air ketuban dan contractions yang kuat. Saya dimasukkan ke hospital (emergency) dan diletakkan di bawah pengawasan rapi, dimasukkan IV serta dimasukkan darah 1 pint. Gynae mohon saya ditahan “indefinitely” sehingga bersalin. Jadi anak ke3 terpaksa dimasukkan ke taska kerana saya tidak dibenarkan bangun kecuali untuk ke tandas. Seminggu kemudian berlaku pulak dilation (3cm) jadi saya dimasukkan ke “labour room” selama 9 hari! Dalam tempoh ini Erra Fazira bersalinkan anak sulungnya dan dah keluar pun dari hospital! Saya memegang rekod tahun itu untuk orang paling lama dalam bilik bersalin! Saya terpaksa menggunakan bedpan dan solat berbaring dengan isyarat sebagaimana orang uzur. Pengalaman yang tidak dapat dilupakan!

                Akhirnya, saya dibenarkan pulang ke wad bersalin biasa dibawah pengawasan rapi. Masih dikenakan “bedrest”. Pada minggu ke-26 saya disuntik dengan hormon untuk mematangkan paru-paru bayi. Orang lain mengalami kenaikan berat badan, berat badan saya menyusut! Saya diperiksa dengan rapi oleh pakar pemakanan dan pakar physio kerana saya telah mula mengalami “muscular atrophy” kerana kurang bergerak. Otot-otot saya jadi lemah kerana saya kehilangan “muscle tone”. Orang yg kurus dan aktif bila kurang bergerak itulah akibatnya. Jadi dari minggu ke-26 saya akan dilawati setiap pagi oleh pakar physio dan saya buat latihan menguatkan otot dan senaman lain di atas katil! Pada masa tu nak angkat sebotol sos tomato pun tangan saya akan bergetar!

                Pada 13 April 2009 genap 28 minggu kandungan saya dan Gynae saya  serta pakar Neonatologi mengesahkan keadaan bayi saya baik dan seberat sekitar 1kg dan kami pun menetapkan tarikh 15 April 2009 untuk pembedahan. Saya amat gembira dan lega mendengarkan keadaan itu, namun pada pagi itu jugalah kami sekeluarga menerima berita sedih. Suami saya kehilangan adik lelakinya akibat kemalangan bas ekspres 2 tingkat dekat Bukit Beruntung dalam perjalanan pulang ke KL. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiuun. Dia baru kembali ke kampong untuk membeli cincin pernikahannya, yang dijadualkan pada penghujung Mei 2009. Suami saya terpaksa melakukan pengecaman mayat adiknya, sijil kematian dan menguruskan pelepasan jenazahnya. Suami dilarang oleh maknya untuk kembali ke Kedah untuk urusan pengkebumian memandangkan saya akan bersalin lusanya. Pada pagi 14 April 2009, adiknya selamat dikebumikan di kampungnya. Suami pula bercuti “compassionate leave” 13 dan 14 April serta menyambung cutinya untuk “paternal leave” hari-hari berikutnya untuk menyambut orang baru.

                Pada 15 April 2009, selepas solat Subuh, anak-anak dihantar seperti biasa ke sekolah dan ke taska. Suami ke hospital untuk persediaan pembedahan. Saya terpaksa dibius separuh pada kadar minima untuk memastikan bayi tidak terjejas. Dalam bilik pembedahan saya gementar kerana kali pertama dibedah. Alhamdulillah, suami di sisi memegang tangan saya dengan setia. Bila prosedur bermula, saya terasa pedih seperti dikelar-kelar. Kemudian apabila doktor mula memotong rahim, saya terasa kepedihan dan kesakitan yang amat sangat, hingga tak dapat mengeluarkan kata-kata. Saya sekadar menggenggam dengan kuat tangan suami sambil mengalirkan air mata. Sayup-sayup saya terdengar suami berkata “She’s in pain, doctor, she’s in pain!” Beberapa saat selepas itu saya diberikan gas anestetik dan terus tidak sedarkan diri.

                Saya tidak sedarkan diri selama sejam. Bila sedar saya terus bertanyakan bayi, midwife katakan anak saya lelaki, dilahirkan pada 8.30 pagi, seberat 1.1kg, selamat dan telah dibawa ke NICU. Suami saya sudah ke sana. Saya kemudian dibenarkan pulang ke bilik wad dan kakak saya datang menemani. Namun saya mula muntah-muntah dengan teruk dan terasa sangat lemah. Saya hanya teringatkan bayi saya dan setelah 6 jam, suami turun sambil membawa video rakaman bayi saya. Itulah kali pertama saya melihat anak saya! Dia memerlukan bantuan pernafasan dan penuh berselirat dengan wayar dan sebagainya. Alhamdulillah, dia seorang “fighter”, kata suami saya.

                Hanya awal pagi keesokan harinya saya gagahkan diri untuk duduk di kerusi roda dan disorong oleh suami untuk ke NICU. Saya telah mula memerah colostrum pada malam sebelumnya dan diambil dengan syringe oleh midwife dan disimpan bila bayi saya perlukannya. Pagi itu jugalah suami ke JPN untuk mendaftarkan nama anak dan menguruskan uri bayi.  Hari itu jugalah saya dapati saya alah kepada ubat penahan sakit (intravenous morfin) dan terpaksa dikeluarkan tiubnya dari tulang belakang saya. Saya hanya bergantung kepada ubat penahan sakit (oral) biasa yang jauh lebih rendah dosnya. Alhamdulillah, saya kuatkan semangat dan menahan kesakitan, sambil meneruskan pemerahan susu dengan tangan serta melakukan senaman ringan sendirian.

                Secara rasminya saya dibenarkan pulang 3 hari selepas bersalin, setelah 45 hari dihospital. Namun saya dibenarkan oleh syarikat suami untuk kekal sebagai “lodger” untuk memastikan saya dapat berehat, pulih dan berpantang hampir dengan bayi saya dan mudah membekalkan susu perahan. Bilik wad itu menjadi rumah kedua kami! Anak-anak akan datang melawat sebelah petang sambil saya uruskan makan minum, mandi-manda dan buat homework di hospital. Anak ke3 saya pulak bila melihat saya kuat, enggan ke taska lagi. Dialah peneman saya di bilik hospital dan apabila saya ke NICU untuk melihat adiknya di situ, dia duduk di kawasan “nursing station” menunggu saya.

                Saya berpantang bersendirian, saudara-mara yang terdekat mendapatkan dan memasak ikan haruan kegemaran saya dan saya teruskan senaman demi mengekalkan tenaga dan bekalan susu perahan. Alhamdulillah, setelah 2 minggu, ventilator di keluarkan dan bayi saya bernafas sekadar menggunakan tiub biasa. Bayi saya dipindahkan dari NICU ke Special Care Nursery (SCN) setelah 3 minggu. Setelah beratnya 1.6kg pada 34 minggu usia kandungan, saya memulakan kangaroo care dan direct breastfeeding sejam setiap kali di SCN. Akhirnya dia dibenarkan pulang ke rumah pada usia 63 hari dan berat mencecah 1.89kg. Saya memandu sendiri pulang ke rumah hari itu, sambil menjemput anak-anak dari sekolah.

                Alhamdulillah, anak ke-4 saya kini sihat, cergas, bijak, aktif dan telah mencapai semua “developmental milestones” yang diharapkan bagi kanak-kanak seusianya, walaupun mungkin menghadapi sedikit masalah penglihatan. Dia juga seorang abang yang baik....

2010

               

Saya disahkan mengandung pada April 2010 dan kandungan pada ketika itu telah berusia 9 minggu! Lactation-induced amenorrhea yang disangkakan berlanjutan, rupanya rezeki Allah buat kami lagi! Uneventful pregnancy, saya masih meneruskan memandu, menguruskan anak-anak yang berempat serta meneruskan penyusuan Muhammad sehingga kandungan masuk minggu ke-30. Tiba-tiba dalam minggu ke-32 saya terasa contractions dan sakit yang amat sangat di sebelah kanan seperti disiat-siat dari dalam. Saya terus ke emergency dan Gynae saya sahkan ada kemungkinan rahim saya sudah mula mengalami regangan di kawasan pembedahan (scar tissue) yang terdahulu, mengakibatkan sakit. Kepala bayi masih belum engage, jadi doktor kata perlu melalui pembedahan sekali lagi. Pada minggu ke-34, lahirlah anak ke5 saya seberat 1.9kg. Dia dimasukkan ke dalam incubator di SCN selama 6 hari dan dibenarkan pulang pada usia seminggu dan seberat 2kg. Alhamdulillah, semuanya lancar dan saya pulang ke rumah untuk berpantang dan dijaga oleh ibu mertua selama seminggu, seterusnya oleh anak-anak gadis saya sendiri. Anak ke5 saya kini sihat, lasak, aktif, bijak dan amat “observant” serta masih menyusu sehingga kini pada usia 21 bulan dan InshaAllah akan diteruskan sehingga self-weaning sekitar hujung tahun 2012 ini.

Penutup

                Setelah lapan kali mengandung dengan 10 janin; 5 orang anak yang hidup, 3 bersalin secara normal, dua secara pembedahan, 3 kali keguguran, beberapa tempat penanaman uri, satu persemadian bayi kami di Brunei, beberapa ratus hari di beberapa hospital yang berbeza, termasuk di perantauan, pengalaman dengan beberapa pakar yang berbeza, semuanya pengalaman yang banyak pengajarannya. Mengandung, bersalin, menyusui dan membesarkan anak-anak menjadi satu pengalaman hidup yang amat saya hargai, walaupun tidak mungkin bagi saya mengingati sepenuhnya setiap satu secara terperinci, terlalu banyak! Yang ada pada saya ialah anak-anak yang semakin membesar, kesan pembedahan serta lebih 30 kesan suntikan (untuk IV) di kedua-dua lengan saya.

Saya agak sedih (namun kini pasrah) kerana saya telah dipujuk (dan telah melalui “bilateral tubal ligation”) untuk memastikan saya tidak lagi mengandung, berikutan begitu banyak komplikasi rahim (uterine complications) yang saya alami. Alhamdulillah, rezeki Allah berikan melalui anak-anak dan kami tidak akan sia-siakan segala pemberian Allah dalam membesarkan mereka. Walaupun ramai yang pernah persoalkan bagaimana saya sanggup lalui semua ini, saya percaya dan yakin, ini ujian kecil dari Allah. Allah sayangkan kita dan hanya akan menguji setakat kemampuan kita. Maksudnya, kita perlu tingkatkan keyakinan kita pada ketetapan Allah, usah mengeluh, sentiasa redha, dan tawakkal selain berusaha mana yang patut. Yakinilah bahawa ada hikmah disebalik setiap sesuatu peristiwa dalam hidup kita. InshaAllah, kita dapat lalui segalanya dengan baik dan dengan penuh rasa takjub dengan kekuasaanNya. 

Back to school

It's official. I'm going back to school! Alhamdulillah, finally my application was approved and I will soon embark on that journey, again! I can still remember registering for my undergrad courses in 1993...and now, nearly twenty years later, after 14 years of marriage and 5 children, I've been given the opportunity to rediscover myself and seek more knowledge.

Yes, some have actually asked me why now, why do I need to do it etc. In the beginning, those questions did play around in my mind, but only momentarily. I find it hard to explain. The thing I know is that I feel as if I owe it to myself to enhance my knowledge, a sort-of "upgrade" for someone like me who has been out of the "career" loop and academics for some time.

Most of all, I think there is no really "best" time for it. Yes, the children still need me, in fact they will continue to need me even more, but in a different way. Attachment is less of an issue for most of the 5, and InshaAllah two Sundays a month of not having Umm around probably won't do too much harm. InshaAllah I've sought Allah's guidance in this matter and it has been made clear that this is the "right" time, if there is such a thing.

Yes, sacrifices have to be made; time, energy and maybe some leisure family time. InshaAllah the kids (at least the older 3) understand why this has come about now. Yes, InshaAllah we can do'a that it'll be a smooth-sailing journey for all in the family, but of course there is no guarantee. Alhamdulillah for the family and friends who constantly support our family in the good or not-so-great times. InshaAllah my back-to-school journey will be an eye-opener and will be something to cherish. I know now that the strive to garner more knowledge has not been diminished from me after all these years....

Parenting Concepts (Part 1): Principles of “Learn to Earn/Learn and Earn”

by Kartina on Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:34pm ·

After giving it a lot of thought, I realised that as a parent, for me, at least, it is not just the strive for academic excellence alone that will make my children understand life, at least some part of it. Their life experiences will be shaped by what we instill in them as children. They will view life in general and how their life is affected by their environment through the “eye-glasses”, “kaleidoscope”, “telescope” or “periscope” (whatever you want to call it) that we provide as parents.

I do not claim to have lived life to the fullest, there is so much more I wish to accomplish, like everyone else. I hope I am moving in the right direction. I am just beginning to understand a very small part of how we must facilitate our children to survive with the appropriate tools in life. Cushioning them from falls and failures is always what we hope to do, but it will not always be possible. One of the ways I see is by making ourselves understand how we interact with the world and allow our children to learn through these principals with our guidance.

As parents and sort-of facilitators, we should let our children “learn to earn” or “learn and earn” through most parts of their lives. Here I have put some of my thoughts in a more organized manner, mostly as a reminder to myself. Others out there, I appreciate any feedback or sharing of any anecdotes with regard to your own parenting experiences. InshaAllah this is one small step in my efforts to make my dream of becoming a proper writer into an achievable ambition.

1. Learn to understand that God is the Greatest power with powers we will never fully understand

2. Learn to seek knowledge and earn the right to use it wisely

3. Learn to respect others and earn respect

4. Learn to trust and be trusted

5. Learn to become responsibly independent in order to earn freedom

6. Learn self-discipline in order to be exemplary

7. Learn how to share in order to possess

8. Learn to save in order to spend

9. Learn how to give before taking

10. Learn the meaning of patience without losing it

11. Learn to accept some dependency before trying to become self-sufficient

12. Learn to fall and fail in order to embrace success

13. Learn to manage routine efficiently before enjoying leisure time

14. Learn to punish ourselves before judging others

15. Learning to forgive before forgetting to ask for it

16. Learn to self-evaluate before beginning to compare ourselves to others

17. Learn to appreciate what we’re blessed with before earning the right to ask for more

18. Learn to strive in order to achieve

19. Learn from the wise to claim maturity

20. Learn to strengthen relationships with elders before forging new ones

21. Learn to cherish the old ways before embracing the new

22. Learn that technology is a tool, not a companion

23. Learn that self-sacrifice is not about being a hero, it’s about bringing out the hero in us

24. Learn to deal with having fun the right way and going through grief gracefully

25. Learn that material possessions doesn’t maketh us, we make use of it

26. Learn to look beyond looks; superficiality does not last

27. Learn that humility does not make us a lesser person

28. Learn that the simplest things in life may make us the happiest

29. Learn to make a dream become an ambition and work towards an accomplishment

30. Learn that the world doesn’t revolve around us, we are a tiny part of it

Thanks for taking the time to read. InshaAllah I will put forth more thoughts when time permits.

Awesome foursome!

Parenting concepts (Part 2): Getting bigger and Growing up

by Kartina on Friday, October 2, 2009 at 3:39pm

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsSGGS matesSee all lists...Itqan DamansaraUniversity Sains MalaysiaItqan Integrated Islamic SchoolSMK (P) St. George, PenangSt George's Girls School, PenangPeer CounselorSt. George's Girls' SchoolUniversity Science of Malaysia, PenangFamilyAcquaintancesGo Back

The recent Eid celebrations and the journey we took back to our hometown(s) of Penang and Kedah has spurred me to write bits and pieces of thoughts into something more meaningful to share. I am certain a lot of these thoughts go through most, if not all of parents' minds as they take their children back to their "kampungs" and let them meet extended family members old and young. The added frenzy of a Hari Raya celebration makes the journey both a memorable and exhausting experience to be cherished....

On getting bigger and growing up

It so happened that our most recent journey home marked the first journey for our little Muhammad, the latest addition to our family of six. Apart from actual Eid celebrations, the family did a “Tahlil” in memory of our beloved brother (in-law) “Muhammad bin Ismail” and our little Muhammad bin Ismaida Zamri also had his “Aqiqah” done on the 3rd of Syawal in his Ayah’s kampung in Kedah .This was ideal in terms of location, logistics and family turnout. Alhamdulillah, it turned out well, thanks to the efforts of his Tok Wan, Tok, Aunties and Uncles , Grand-Uncles and Grand-Aunts and cousins (and Tok Nek too!) who as always, do their absolute best for such occasions. Only Allah can reward them for what they have done. Our many thanks to everyone.

The thing that struck me the most was the “togetherness” that such occasions brought. No matter how many people were there, we would seek each other out, “the facial recognition” mechanism in our brains function brilliantly…better than any hi-tech computer can claim to do! We’d go into full swing in terms of energy-levels, we’d feel “lapang hati” (not sure if there is a translation for this!), no matter how crowded the house became! And the wonderful sense of belonging sets-in…I’ve always felt extremely lucky to have married into my husband’s family. From day 1 of our marriage 11 years ago, I always felt I belonged….

As the family expands, our life circle gets bigger, literally. We welcome new members into the family every year, by virtue of marriage or birth and we lose members of the family to death, naturally or tragically. It is not about the size of the family getting bigger that makes me mellow, nor is it the grieve that I feel when there is a loss that is significant; it is the process of growing up after each birth, or after each loss. The sense of belonging we share when we welcome a new addition to the family makes not only bigger and better families, it also makes family bonds stronger. The sense of sorrow and grief that we share and the comfort that we seek and give out makes each loss acceptable and the levels of “redha” spreads a stark calmness thereafter.

For my kids, I want them to experience this sense of belonging as I do, if possible, for as long as they live. For that, we must ensure that the bigger the family grows, the closer we become. As parents, we must ensure our children embrace the future with a wind of caution…never to let the future ruin past relationships. Emails cannot replace a “salam” (handshake); SMSs cannot replace an “Assalamu’alaikum” and an embrace given to the elders, and Facebook cannot read “body language” and share a laughter (real, as opposed to virtual ones).

I want my children to know their Tok Nek, their Tok, Tok Wan, Opah, TokPa, other Tok-s, Makcik-s and Pakcik-s , each of their designations (pangkat-s) within their families and I want them to know who they are and how they are related to me or their Ayah. I want them to see how the families live in the kampong, I want them to experience some of the hassle-free relationships and unconditional love only family can offer. Am I asking too much since we hardly meet, perhaps only once a year? Maybe, but I know it’s do-able, what with IT tools and planned family gatherings, open-houses or weddings or even chance meetings, InshaAllah.

It is not only the getting bigger and older that is important, it is how we relate to our family as we grow up. Growing up with strong family values and support is key, I want that for my kids. I want them to feel the sense of respect I feel for the elders and their experiences, I want them to learn the hardships that our elders went through and take away from it how fortunate kids are growing up now and how thankful we must feel for all the blessings in life. I want them to appreciate having family members to rely on when times are hard and I want them to understand that when all else may seem out of reach, the unconditional love of the family can help hold us together….

Yes, getting bigger is unavoidable and growing old is a must. But the life choices we make determine whether we actually “grow-up” in life. Yes, we came back from the journey all tired out and not wanting to do anything much nor see anyone, but that feeling didn’t last. As I look back at all the Eid pictures uploaded on FB alone, I feel overwhelmed by the sense of familial bond to all these families that I see enjoying each others’ company and joy…truly, WE are not alone.

So my children, YOU are not alone. The family is your life and life is your family. Thank you Allah for your blessings in life and for this wonderful big family I’m blessed with.

Parenting concepts (Part 3): Back to basics - Learning through living

by Kartina on Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 1:59pm ·

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsSGGS matesSee all lists...Itqan DamansaraUniversity Sains MalaysiaItqan Integrated Islamic SchoolSMK (P) St. George, PenangSt George's Girls School, PenangPeer CounselorSt. George's Girls' SchoolUniversity Science of Malaysia, PenangFamilyAcquaintancesGo Back

Here are more of my thoughts on things happening around me, especially in relation to the children, family and our daily goings-on.
I was asked a few days ago by my eldest daughter, “Why do some of my friends say that I’m very motherly?” And I remember asking her back, “Do you think that is a bad or a good thing?” to which she replied, “I think it’s a good thing, but why me?”

My mind sped for a bit to re-organise my thoughts before I could come up with anything nearly-logical to say. “It’s probably in the way you carry yourself in school, a bit of an extension of what you are like at home. Perhaps it is “fitrah” (God-given), and to me, that is a very good thing to have, especially in a girl of your age. I think because you have younger siblings whom I too depend on you to help care for, it seems natural for you to be “motherly”; sort-of. And you both have been so natural at it that I’ve learned to trust your judgement when helping out with many chores at home! Good for me, Alhamdulillah for that!” To which her younger sister added, “Yeah, I think it is good training that we have younger siblings to help take care of and help around the house a bit. InshaAllah it’ll help me be a good wife, mother and a paediatrician!” We shared chuckles. My daughters smiled and seemed contented with my response then. The hugs that followed from our conversation were priceless! And I do expect more, perhaps tougher questions in future.

Parenting is never easy, neither is it completely natural or instinctive. However, there is this God-given instinct that most parents have, when put together with their own basic ideals, dreams and hopes for the family, makes the family able to grow appropriately. When we talk about “growing”, it is not just the “physical” aspect of growing that is necessary; it is also the emotional and mental growth which need nurturing too. And with more children, the task does not get easier or repetitive; it is a new process each time. Each child born is special; therefore I’m learning this process over and over again with every child; each one is unique in their growing-up process and each child will have different sets of needs during each stage of growth that I need to be attuned to.

Knowledge is key. My personal opinion is that, being an educated parent does not necessarily mean having a degree in child psychology or early childhood development or having taught in school or having been a caregiver for many children. Even someone who has not been blessed with any children is capable of being a good parent. It is how, when and where the person who is “parenting” uses the knowledge available to her/him in order to achieve the best possible outcome of a particular scenario with a child or fulfill a particular need of the child. Of course this process almost becomes “second nature” when dealt with on a daily basis…just like driving a car. We learn how to, practice, and eventually, after doing it for years, become good drivers…or do we? Along the way, we may pick-up bad driving habits; not signaling whilst changing lanes or turning; using the mobile phone whilst driving or worse, break rules altogether. Not unlike driving, when in parenting we develop bad habits (there’d be too many to list down here), the impact or effects of these bad habits may not be seen or shown instantly, in fact we may not even notice it at all, till many, many years later, perhaps upon reflection of the “what” and the “why” in a certain “bad” outcome/situation.

So how do we parents “equip” ourselves so as to not slip into bad habits? Tough question, that one. Education, self-realisation, self-understanding, knowing our potentials and limitations, going back to basics and practice, practice, practice; among others. In anything we do, these are perhaps our “recipe” to being successful. Of course different individuals would have different “yardsticks” of success in their lives. All that aside, in being a successful parent, one obvious yardstick is definitely “how the child/children turn out to be” as grown individuals themselves. However, it is easy to lose sight of the “process” when we focus too much on the outcome.

Yes, we want our children to do well in school and grow up to be “productive” individuals. We will go all out to ensure they get the best education/educators possible (tuition, tutors, study groups, educational materials/tools etc.), but sometimes, more often than not, we don’t let our children progress at their own pace, we don’t let them “explore” their capabilities, we don’t let our children “realise” their own dreams…we force our dreams upon them. Unfortunately, present-day school environment is partly to blame. The competitiveness that gets around in school, the pressure to shine and the exam-orientated system does not let our children “grow” in all aspects of their true potential. Sadly, our children are cajoled into accepting that what is acceptable within the system is all that they should strive for. Inhibiting the natural instinct of children where they grow and learn through play, use their imagination and creativity to nurture and shape their own learning style gets lost in this “struggle” that parents too, are occasional eager proponents of.

I feel left behind and in doubt (sometimes) when I feel that I need to go back to basics. I want my children home with me when they are not in school instead of them being in tuition centres/with tutors; I want them playing outside with their friends when the weather is fine instead of being indoors watching TV/being on the computer; I want them caring for their younger siblings instead of going out weekends with friends; I want them to be home baking/cooking/doing chores instead of having a maid around to help. Of course I sound/seem selfish, don’t I? And self-absorbed, do I? I really, really don’t know how else to be or do things! It is the way I was brought-up and it is the way I feel most comfortable with! Perhaps it is the only way I know how to deal with my children. Yet, I feel a great sense of comfort when I know that my hubby and children are comfortable with these arrangements too. We share our thoughts and feelings on most, if not all matters; we share laughter and cry together; we learn school-related stuff and other things together; we learn to cope as a family when hard times come knocking (Alhamdulillah, these have been few and far between); we do most stuff that most families do too…together. This “togetherness” I will have a hard time letting go of, when the time comes. I will keep on learning throughout my life!

For now, I imagine my children and us, their parents, will have to learn, cope and tolerate each others’ shortcomings as much and as well as we possibly can. Although it has never been easy and will perhaps get tougher when our children “enlarge” their circle of lives to include others, InshaAllah we will have the tools “ready” for all of us to use. It is a continuous learning process, never-ending, even. Parenting and being parents is a learned process and it is perhaps one of the toughest subjects not even taught in schools….

Parenting Concepts (Part 4) - A journey to remember

by Kartina on Monday, August 2, 2010 at 12:43pm ·

PublicFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsSGGS matesSee all lists...Itqan DamansaraUniversity Sains MalaysiaItqan Integrated Islamic SchoolSMK (P) St. George, PenangSt George's Girls School, PenangPeer CounselorSt. George's Girls' SchoolUniversity Science of Malaysia, PenangFamilyAcquaintancesGo Back

Every time I look at each of our four children and now, as I ponder about our fifth, who is letting me know of her presence in me every now and again, I’m amazed and touched by how much they’ve grown into their own persons. Each with very distinctive personalities, interests, habits and demeanour, I feel that I’m one of the most blessed mothers on earth! I imagine (and hope) every mother feels the same way!

The main reason I’m writing this is to first and foremost remind myself and perhaps other mothers that we are blessed with the power to make the best life choice at the start; by breastfeeding our child/children. One of the most wonderful aspect of having my children has been, and will continue to be, InshaAllah, the breastfeeding journey we share(d). I had always wanted to exclusively breastfeed my children, even before I knew I was having my first born.

By the time I became pregnant with my first, I was in my most “gung-ho” spirit towards breastfeeding. Internet and books became my best friends in finding resources about breastfeeding. Although there wasn’t much “external” support, I knew I could count on hubby, both our parents and like-minded friends for that. Little did I know that working mums tend to not always get the support we need, especially if we intend to exclusively breastfeed our child for at least up to 6 months, what more beyond that! However, I was adamant to the point of being stubborn about my decision and yes, despite the many challenges, did what I had to do to reach my goal. Alhamdulillah, I even went beyond that when I managed to not only exclusively breastfeed my eldest whilst holding a fulltime 9-5 job, I managed to go on to “tandem nursing” my first born and my second. And they thrived!!! All the name-calling, the put-downs, the discouragement and the look of disbelief I used to get during these times are the least of the things I remember.

The multiple losses we had through the years became reminders of how each and every one of us will face challenges in life. Yes, the family struggled at times with these challenges but as time went by, we learned to cope. Everyone has built-in coping mechanisms. It is again our life choice to pick ourselves up after each challenge has knocked us down. We must believe that every challenge comes with a lesson to be learned…a ”hikmah”.

With our 3rd we felt extremely blessed again, a healthy boy after 3 losses. His attachment to me became my joy and his dad’s and big sisters’ devotion and care became my strength. Then came our wonderful surprise of Muhammad, our precious preemie, who in the beginning, was only given a 50-50 chance to survive. Our family went through all the motions imaginable associated with a difficult pregnancy, the day-to-day prayers and hope, the eventual C-Section delivery, the NICU and extended hospital stay and all the challenges that came with bringing home and caring for a premature child.

Muhammad too, went through countless days of pain and trauma. From the time in the womb with all the difficulties, the early days in the incubator, the intubation (ventilator), the probes, the tubes, the monitors, the surgery, wounds and scars…he has gone through more than any of my other children have gone through in his 1st few months of life! Allah is great! Now he is thriving too! And the one good and right choice I know I had made was to start providing expressed breastmilk to him, although at that time the pain of not having seen him or hold him and the pain of post-surgery were overwhelming!

Nowadays, mothers are extremely lucky. Not only are equipment and resources more readily available and are at more affordable prices, support and information are also more in tune with mothers’ needs. From Lactation Counselors to Mother Support Groups, Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiatives, Rooming-in options, Breastfeeding-Friendly Childcare centres, parenting, breastfeeding and ante-natal classes, journals, parenting magazines and breastfeeding advocates among healthcare providers are all wonderful efforts by different quarters all concerned with breastfeeding.

I do not wish to provide here, within my write-up, any statistical information or facts to support breastfeeding. The medical community and the internet would be more reliable and more purposeful for that. My only wish is to remind myself and others that we as parents are in the best possible position to ensure that our child/children begin their lives with the most natural and most nurturing aspect of care…breastfeeding.

I’ve always felt that breastfeeding was the most natural thing Allah has provided for mothers, apart from childbirth itself. The process, the instinctive nature of babies in relation to the breast and all that is related to breastmilk production in itself is a gift from Allah. For me, it has been a source of nutrition and nurturing for my children, a form of bonding and binding, comfort and warmth and the most gratifying sense of being available to and for my children on demand. I am truly looking forward to embrace the rest of my breastfeeding journey with our next child and will most certainly always look back in awe at Allah’s gift. And of course, countless thank yous to darling hubby and my whole family, immediate and extended, as well as to my wonderful friends for their constant support!

I’m hopeful that beyond my own experiences, I will be able to share this joyful feeling with other mothers and perhaps beyond my own journey, support others in theirs. Let us share these knowledge and experiences through the many avenues available to us. One day I hope to fulfill my dream of becoming a full-fledged lactation counselor and reach out to more mothers out there, InshaAllah. Let us reach out together and save more lives!

Many stories have been swapped and many experiences have been shared and I am certain a lot of mothers have their own breastfeeding journey with each child they have. This makes breastfeeding a time to remember and a journey to cherish. To Mothers out there, breastfeeding your child is the best start you can give your child. To other ladies/mums/hubbies and the community, support the mothers around you should they wish to breastfeed. Not only are you giving the mothers the support they need, you are giving the child the nutrition and care that they truly deserve…“Breast is best”!