Parenting Concepts (Part 1): Principles of “Learn to Earn/Learn and Earn”

by Kartina on Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:34pm ·

After giving it a lot of thought, I realised that as a parent, for me, at least, it is not just the strive for academic excellence alone that will make my children understand life, at least some part of it. Their life experiences will be shaped by what we instill in them as children. They will view life in general and how their life is affected by their environment through the “eye-glasses”, “kaleidoscope”, “telescope” or “periscope” (whatever you want to call it) that we provide as parents.

I do not claim to have lived life to the fullest, there is so much more I wish to accomplish, like everyone else. I hope I am moving in the right direction. I am just beginning to understand a very small part of how we must facilitate our children to survive with the appropriate tools in life. Cushioning them from falls and failures is always what we hope to do, but it will not always be possible. One of the ways I see is by making ourselves understand how we interact with the world and allow our children to learn through these principals with our guidance.

As parents and sort-of facilitators, we should let our children “learn to earn” or “learn and earn” through most parts of their lives. Here I have put some of my thoughts in a more organized manner, mostly as a reminder to myself. Others out there, I appreciate any feedback or sharing of any anecdotes with regard to your own parenting experiences. InshaAllah this is one small step in my efforts to make my dream of becoming a proper writer into an achievable ambition.

1. Learn to understand that God is the Greatest power with powers we will never fully understand

2. Learn to seek knowledge and earn the right to use it wisely

3. Learn to respect others and earn respect

4. Learn to trust and be trusted

5. Learn to become responsibly independent in order to earn freedom

6. Learn self-discipline in order to be exemplary

7. Learn how to share in order to possess

8. Learn to save in order to spend

9. Learn how to give before taking

10. Learn the meaning of patience without losing it

11. Learn to accept some dependency before trying to become self-sufficient

12. Learn to fall and fail in order to embrace success

13. Learn to manage routine efficiently before enjoying leisure time

14. Learn to punish ourselves before judging others

15. Learning to forgive before forgetting to ask for it

16. Learn to self-evaluate before beginning to compare ourselves to others

17. Learn to appreciate what we’re blessed with before earning the right to ask for more

18. Learn to strive in order to achieve

19. Learn from the wise to claim maturity

20. Learn to strengthen relationships with elders before forging new ones

21. Learn to cherish the old ways before embracing the new

22. Learn that technology is a tool, not a companion

23. Learn that self-sacrifice is not about being a hero, it’s about bringing out the hero in us

24. Learn to deal with having fun the right way and going through grief gracefully

25. Learn that material possessions doesn’t maketh us, we make use of it

26. Learn to look beyond looks; superficiality does not last

27. Learn that humility does not make us a lesser person

28. Learn that the simplest things in life may make us the happiest

29. Learn to make a dream become an ambition and work towards an accomplishment

30. Learn that the world doesn’t revolve around us, we are a tiny part of it

Thanks for taking the time to read. InshaAllah I will put forth more thoughts when time permits.

Awesome foursome!

Parenting concepts (Part 2): Getting bigger and Growing up

by Kartina on Friday, October 2, 2009 at 3:39pm

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The recent Eid celebrations and the journey we took back to our hometown(s) of Penang and Kedah has spurred me to write bits and pieces of thoughts into something more meaningful to share. I am certain a lot of these thoughts go through most, if not all of parents' minds as they take their children back to their "kampungs" and let them meet extended family members old and young. The added frenzy of a Hari Raya celebration makes the journey both a memorable and exhausting experience to be cherished....

On getting bigger and growing up

It so happened that our most recent journey home marked the first journey for our little Muhammad, the latest addition to our family of six. Apart from actual Eid celebrations, the family did a “Tahlil” in memory of our beloved brother (in-law) “Muhammad bin Ismail” and our little Muhammad bin Ismaida Zamri also had his “Aqiqah” done on the 3rd of Syawal in his Ayah’s kampung in Kedah .This was ideal in terms of location, logistics and family turnout. Alhamdulillah, it turned out well, thanks to the efforts of his Tok Wan, Tok, Aunties and Uncles , Grand-Uncles and Grand-Aunts and cousins (and Tok Nek too!) who as always, do their absolute best for such occasions. Only Allah can reward them for what they have done. Our many thanks to everyone.

The thing that struck me the most was the “togetherness” that such occasions brought. No matter how many people were there, we would seek each other out, “the facial recognition” mechanism in our brains function brilliantly…better than any hi-tech computer can claim to do! We’d go into full swing in terms of energy-levels, we’d feel “lapang hati” (not sure if there is a translation for this!), no matter how crowded the house became! And the wonderful sense of belonging sets-in…I’ve always felt extremely lucky to have married into my husband’s family. From day 1 of our marriage 11 years ago, I always felt I belonged….

As the family expands, our life circle gets bigger, literally. We welcome new members into the family every year, by virtue of marriage or birth and we lose members of the family to death, naturally or tragically. It is not about the size of the family getting bigger that makes me mellow, nor is it the grieve that I feel when there is a loss that is significant; it is the process of growing up after each birth, or after each loss. The sense of belonging we share when we welcome a new addition to the family makes not only bigger and better families, it also makes family bonds stronger. The sense of sorrow and grief that we share and the comfort that we seek and give out makes each loss acceptable and the levels of “redha” spreads a stark calmness thereafter.

For my kids, I want them to experience this sense of belonging as I do, if possible, for as long as they live. For that, we must ensure that the bigger the family grows, the closer we become. As parents, we must ensure our children embrace the future with a wind of caution…never to let the future ruin past relationships. Emails cannot replace a “salam” (handshake); SMSs cannot replace an “Assalamu’alaikum” and an embrace given to the elders, and Facebook cannot read “body language” and share a laughter (real, as opposed to virtual ones).

I want my children to know their Tok Nek, their Tok, Tok Wan, Opah, TokPa, other Tok-s, Makcik-s and Pakcik-s , each of their designations (pangkat-s) within their families and I want them to know who they are and how they are related to me or their Ayah. I want them to see how the families live in the kampong, I want them to experience some of the hassle-free relationships and unconditional love only family can offer. Am I asking too much since we hardly meet, perhaps only once a year? Maybe, but I know it’s do-able, what with IT tools and planned family gatherings, open-houses or weddings or even chance meetings, InshaAllah.

It is not only the getting bigger and older that is important, it is how we relate to our family as we grow up. Growing up with strong family values and support is key, I want that for my kids. I want them to feel the sense of respect I feel for the elders and their experiences, I want them to learn the hardships that our elders went through and take away from it how fortunate kids are growing up now and how thankful we must feel for all the blessings in life. I want them to appreciate having family members to rely on when times are hard and I want them to understand that when all else may seem out of reach, the unconditional love of the family can help hold us together….

Yes, getting bigger is unavoidable and growing old is a must. But the life choices we make determine whether we actually “grow-up” in life. Yes, we came back from the journey all tired out and not wanting to do anything much nor see anyone, but that feeling didn’t last. As I look back at all the Eid pictures uploaded on FB alone, I feel overwhelmed by the sense of familial bond to all these families that I see enjoying each others’ company and joy…truly, WE are not alone.

So my children, YOU are not alone. The family is your life and life is your family. Thank you Allah for your blessings in life and for this wonderful big family I’m blessed with.

Parenting concepts (Part 3): Back to basics - Learning through living

by Kartina on Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 1:59pm ·

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Here are more of my thoughts on things happening around me, especially in relation to the children, family and our daily goings-on.
I was asked a few days ago by my eldest daughter, “Why do some of my friends say that I’m very motherly?” And I remember asking her back, “Do you think that is a bad or a good thing?” to which she replied, “I think it’s a good thing, but why me?”

My mind sped for a bit to re-organise my thoughts before I could come up with anything nearly-logical to say. “It’s probably in the way you carry yourself in school, a bit of an extension of what you are like at home. Perhaps it is “fitrah” (God-given), and to me, that is a very good thing to have, especially in a girl of your age. I think because you have younger siblings whom I too depend on you to help care for, it seems natural for you to be “motherly”; sort-of. And you both have been so natural at it that I’ve learned to trust your judgement when helping out with many chores at home! Good for me, Alhamdulillah for that!” To which her younger sister added, “Yeah, I think it is good training that we have younger siblings to help take care of and help around the house a bit. InshaAllah it’ll help me be a good wife, mother and a paediatrician!” We shared chuckles. My daughters smiled and seemed contented with my response then. The hugs that followed from our conversation were priceless! And I do expect more, perhaps tougher questions in future.

Parenting is never easy, neither is it completely natural or instinctive. However, there is this God-given instinct that most parents have, when put together with their own basic ideals, dreams and hopes for the family, makes the family able to grow appropriately. When we talk about “growing”, it is not just the “physical” aspect of growing that is necessary; it is also the emotional and mental growth which need nurturing too. And with more children, the task does not get easier or repetitive; it is a new process each time. Each child born is special; therefore I’m learning this process over and over again with every child; each one is unique in their growing-up process and each child will have different sets of needs during each stage of growth that I need to be attuned to.

Knowledge is key. My personal opinion is that, being an educated parent does not necessarily mean having a degree in child psychology or early childhood development or having taught in school or having been a caregiver for many children. Even someone who has not been blessed with any children is capable of being a good parent. It is how, when and where the person who is “parenting” uses the knowledge available to her/him in order to achieve the best possible outcome of a particular scenario with a child or fulfill a particular need of the child. Of course this process almost becomes “second nature” when dealt with on a daily basis…just like driving a car. We learn how to, practice, and eventually, after doing it for years, become good drivers…or do we? Along the way, we may pick-up bad driving habits; not signaling whilst changing lanes or turning; using the mobile phone whilst driving or worse, break rules altogether. Not unlike driving, when in parenting we develop bad habits (there’d be too many to list down here), the impact or effects of these bad habits may not be seen or shown instantly, in fact we may not even notice it at all, till many, many years later, perhaps upon reflection of the “what” and the “why” in a certain “bad” outcome/situation.

So how do we parents “equip” ourselves so as to not slip into bad habits? Tough question, that one. Education, self-realisation, self-understanding, knowing our potentials and limitations, going back to basics and practice, practice, practice; among others. In anything we do, these are perhaps our “recipe” to being successful. Of course different individuals would have different “yardsticks” of success in their lives. All that aside, in being a successful parent, one obvious yardstick is definitely “how the child/children turn out to be” as grown individuals themselves. However, it is easy to lose sight of the “process” when we focus too much on the outcome.

Yes, we want our children to do well in school and grow up to be “productive” individuals. We will go all out to ensure they get the best education/educators possible (tuition, tutors, study groups, educational materials/tools etc.), but sometimes, more often than not, we don’t let our children progress at their own pace, we don’t let them “explore” their capabilities, we don’t let our children “realise” their own dreams…we force our dreams upon them. Unfortunately, present-day school environment is partly to blame. The competitiveness that gets around in school, the pressure to shine and the exam-orientated system does not let our children “grow” in all aspects of their true potential. Sadly, our children are cajoled into accepting that what is acceptable within the system is all that they should strive for. Inhibiting the natural instinct of children where they grow and learn through play, use their imagination and creativity to nurture and shape their own learning style gets lost in this “struggle” that parents too, are occasional eager proponents of.

I feel left behind and in doubt (sometimes) when I feel that I need to go back to basics. I want my children home with me when they are not in school instead of them being in tuition centres/with tutors; I want them playing outside with their friends when the weather is fine instead of being indoors watching TV/being on the computer; I want them caring for their younger siblings instead of going out weekends with friends; I want them to be home baking/cooking/doing chores instead of having a maid around to help. Of course I sound/seem selfish, don’t I? And self-absorbed, do I? I really, really don’t know how else to be or do things! It is the way I was brought-up and it is the way I feel most comfortable with! Perhaps it is the only way I know how to deal with my children. Yet, I feel a great sense of comfort when I know that my hubby and children are comfortable with these arrangements too. We share our thoughts and feelings on most, if not all matters; we share laughter and cry together; we learn school-related stuff and other things together; we learn to cope as a family when hard times come knocking (Alhamdulillah, these have been few and far between); we do most stuff that most families do too…together. This “togetherness” I will have a hard time letting go of, when the time comes. I will keep on learning throughout my life!

For now, I imagine my children and us, their parents, will have to learn, cope and tolerate each others’ shortcomings as much and as well as we possibly can. Although it has never been easy and will perhaps get tougher when our children “enlarge” their circle of lives to include others, InshaAllah we will have the tools “ready” for all of us to use. It is a continuous learning process, never-ending, even. Parenting and being parents is a learned process and it is perhaps one of the toughest subjects not even taught in schools….

Parenting Concepts (Part 4) - A journey to remember

by Kartina on Monday, August 2, 2010 at 12:43pm ·

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Every time I look at each of our four children and now, as I ponder about our fifth, who is letting me know of her presence in me every now and again, I’m amazed and touched by how much they’ve grown into their own persons. Each with very distinctive personalities, interests, habits and demeanour, I feel that I’m one of the most blessed mothers on earth! I imagine (and hope) every mother feels the same way!

The main reason I’m writing this is to first and foremost remind myself and perhaps other mothers that we are blessed with the power to make the best life choice at the start; by breastfeeding our child/children. One of the most wonderful aspect of having my children has been, and will continue to be, InshaAllah, the breastfeeding journey we share(d). I had always wanted to exclusively breastfeed my children, even before I knew I was having my first born.

By the time I became pregnant with my first, I was in my most “gung-ho” spirit towards breastfeeding. Internet and books became my best friends in finding resources about breastfeeding. Although there wasn’t much “external” support, I knew I could count on hubby, both our parents and like-minded friends for that. Little did I know that working mums tend to not always get the support we need, especially if we intend to exclusively breastfeed our child for at least up to 6 months, what more beyond that! However, I was adamant to the point of being stubborn about my decision and yes, despite the many challenges, did what I had to do to reach my goal. Alhamdulillah, I even went beyond that when I managed to not only exclusively breastfeed my eldest whilst holding a fulltime 9-5 job, I managed to go on to “tandem nursing” my first born and my second. And they thrived!!! All the name-calling, the put-downs, the discouragement and the look of disbelief I used to get during these times are the least of the things I remember.

The multiple losses we had through the years became reminders of how each and every one of us will face challenges in life. Yes, the family struggled at times with these challenges but as time went by, we learned to cope. Everyone has built-in coping mechanisms. It is again our life choice to pick ourselves up after each challenge has knocked us down. We must believe that every challenge comes with a lesson to be learned…a ”hikmah”.

With our 3rd we felt extremely blessed again, a healthy boy after 3 losses. His attachment to me became my joy and his dad’s and big sisters’ devotion and care became my strength. Then came our wonderful surprise of Muhammad, our precious preemie, who in the beginning, was only given a 50-50 chance to survive. Our family went through all the motions imaginable associated with a difficult pregnancy, the day-to-day prayers and hope, the eventual C-Section delivery, the NICU and extended hospital stay and all the challenges that came with bringing home and caring for a premature child.

Muhammad too, went through countless days of pain and trauma. From the time in the womb with all the difficulties, the early days in the incubator, the intubation (ventilator), the probes, the tubes, the monitors, the surgery, wounds and scars…he has gone through more than any of my other children have gone through in his 1st few months of life! Allah is great! Now he is thriving too! And the one good and right choice I know I had made was to start providing expressed breastmilk to him, although at that time the pain of not having seen him or hold him and the pain of post-surgery were overwhelming!

Nowadays, mothers are extremely lucky. Not only are equipment and resources more readily available and are at more affordable prices, support and information are also more in tune with mothers’ needs. From Lactation Counselors to Mother Support Groups, Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiatives, Rooming-in options, Breastfeeding-Friendly Childcare centres, parenting, breastfeeding and ante-natal classes, journals, parenting magazines and breastfeeding advocates among healthcare providers are all wonderful efforts by different quarters all concerned with breastfeeding.

I do not wish to provide here, within my write-up, any statistical information or facts to support breastfeeding. The medical community and the internet would be more reliable and more purposeful for that. My only wish is to remind myself and others that we as parents are in the best possible position to ensure that our child/children begin their lives with the most natural and most nurturing aspect of care…breastfeeding.

I’ve always felt that breastfeeding was the most natural thing Allah has provided for mothers, apart from childbirth itself. The process, the instinctive nature of babies in relation to the breast and all that is related to breastmilk production in itself is a gift from Allah. For me, it has been a source of nutrition and nurturing for my children, a form of bonding and binding, comfort and warmth and the most gratifying sense of being available to and for my children on demand. I am truly looking forward to embrace the rest of my breastfeeding journey with our next child and will most certainly always look back in awe at Allah’s gift. And of course, countless thank yous to darling hubby and my whole family, immediate and extended, as well as to my wonderful friends for their constant support!

I’m hopeful that beyond my own experiences, I will be able to share this joyful feeling with other mothers and perhaps beyond my own journey, support others in theirs. Let us share these knowledge and experiences through the many avenues available to us. One day I hope to fulfill my dream of becoming a full-fledged lactation counselor and reach out to more mothers out there, InshaAllah. Let us reach out together and save more lives!

Many stories have been swapped and many experiences have been shared and I am certain a lot of mothers have their own breastfeeding journey with each child they have. This makes breastfeeding a time to remember and a journey to cherish. To Mothers out there, breastfeeding your child is the best start you can give your child. To other ladies/mums/hubbies and the community, support the mothers around you should they wish to breastfeed. Not only are you giving the mothers the support they need, you are giving the child the nutrition and care that they truly deserve…“Breast is best”!

I've had the opportunity to sort some of our old clothes and put aside the ones that are to be given away. Some are in no condition to be worn again, but not too bad to be used for other purposes. These are in a special pile waiting for my "treatment", they will be given a "new look". All I need to do now is to find the time between other things to sit in my special room and get to work!

Feeling the love

Yes, it's that time of the year again, birthday. I feel so blessed that not only do I have my loved ones with me on this extra special day, I have all other family and friends remembering, praying for me and wishing me the best too! It makes me feel that everyday from now on is special because of all the love and prayers showered by them.

I need to constantly remind myself that with every waking moment I have from now on, I need to extend the same love and prayers to everyone I know and to pray for those around me and those in need, to give what I can and how I can, whenever I can. Life is about sharing, caring and giving, not just receiving.

So thank you again to everyone for the special wishes and prayers. You have made me realise again how precious this life is and how we must always make the time we have in this life to make others feel the love too. May Allah bless us all in our worthy efforts to fulfill our journey in this life and the hereafter.

The world through M's eyes....

It's that time of the year again for our dear M...follow-up eye examination. He doesn't like it and we dread having to get him through it. But it is absolutely necessary for him and for us, it is another step towards trying to understand how his vision works, because it is obviously not like ours.

Due to his extreme prematurity (28 weeks), his vision had developed in a rather different way than would a "normal" baby. He has been diagnosed with amblyopia and nystagmus, which are actually symptoms of a more serious underlying vision problem. We are trying hard to find out how much he is seeing, what he is seeing and how he is seeing. I hope this time, unlike the previous exam, he is able to "communicate" better on "what" he is seeing and not be too upset with the repeated dilation of his pupils and actual exam. It took three adults to restrain him for the half hour exam and boy, he didn't like it!

Pain of Motherhood

No, this is not about emotional or mental pain, but actual, physical pain. Many of us go through life experiencing some sort of pain, be it naturally or induced. I haven't been spared either. I’ve always been told by medical and non-medical persons alike that perhaps my pain threshold was much higher than others…maybe. After 8 pregnancies, 3 natural childbirths, 3 miscarriages, 2 Caesarean sections, the many months (in total) of hospitalisation and 5 lovely children later in 13 years, I tended to believe it.

Just by being allergic to aspirin and unable to take high doses of paracetamol means that I cannot randomly take them without suffering some adverse side-effect(s). Post-caesarean section surgery meant also that I had to take the lowest dose possible of oral pain-killers instead of the recommended 3 doses of morphine usually given. Yes, it was a lot of pain to endure and Alhamdulillah, I managed.

Let’s not go into the pain management issues. I’ve too many stories to tell! But then I endured a pain that I could not understand, though still bear, could not pin-point, but persisted for months. It was a numbing sort of pain, originating from my lower back, along the spinal column, gravitating towards the shoulder blades and leading to stiffness along the neck and numbness along the arms.

I was alarmed. It hindered my normal mobility somewhat. It made me experience soreness and headaches and made me lose a lot of muscle strength. What was worse, I had to really strain to carry around my 14 month old baby! I think the turning point was when I felt so bad that I couldn’t even turn my head sideways, not to mention the constant and persistent headaches!

I was practically stumbling around trying to tolerate the pain for weeks, going through everyday routine of chauffeuring my kids around on top of the regular housework. I went to see different GPs twice but all they could give me were more pain-killers. I took nothing to ease the pain, firstly because I was concerned with the side-effect, and secondly because I was still breastfeeding my baby. I then decided to try something else. I went to a chiropractor, although at that time I was a little skeptical. At the same time I searched online for something, a product for long-term use as a means of supporting my structure, particularly my lower back.

At the chiropractor’s, I was diagnosed as having idiopathic scoliosis along the upper vertebrae and a few rotated vertebrae along the lower column. The one thing I can remember was the chiropractor saying, “No wonder you were in a lot of pain!” Treatment included but not limited to, spinal correction (through various tools at the chiropractor’s clinic), stretching and traction as well as more stretching exercises, the use of Epsom salt and warm compressors at home. I definitely felt much better but not completely. I still had many more follow-ups to go to, but due to time constraints, I decided to discontinue going to the chiropractor. The chiropractor did, however, caution me to be careful with my posture and the way I lifted things and my baby, because it could pose more damage. Then I decided that I had to use some form of support. It became crucial that I would not make any sudden movement that would land me in pain, again. That’s when I turned to this product, the Premium Beautiful set.

I discovered it when I was surfing the net and although a few of my friends were already using it, I didn't actually get around to talking to them about it. I decided then to find out more and thankfully, Alhamdulillah, I had someone respond to my “call for help”. She was helpful and assured me that I could try the product and feel the difference myself.

Suffice to say that I’ve been using the product for almost a month now and I definitely feel the difference, a marked improvement in my overall condition. I no longer feel the strain when I’m lifting my baby (and even my nearly 3-year old!), I can feel the support it gives to my lower back and posture and I definitely feel that it has given me a new overall perspective on “pain management”. I should not have tolerated that much pain for that long, it was just not natural! Alhamdulillah and InshaAllah, I will be able to use this product anytime, anywhere and for as long as I desire. It has improved my quality of life especially in relation to my overall mobility and posture. My back is pain- free! Not to mention it has done wonders for my “wobbly bits” and doesn't interfere with breastfeeding too!

 I’m particularly happy with how the Premium Beautiful set has helped me and I can’t wait to share this with family and friends. Sharing is caring. Now I know I need to take care of myself too, not just of my loved ones. Thank you Salha Mohd Zain and Zatilfarihiah Rasdi. I hope to share your enthusiasm about the Premium Beautiful….

Tongue-tied too?

My son will be turning 3 in April. I'm quite concerned that I still cannot fully understand all the words he's trying to say. I know he's trying hard, so I'm wondering if it's timely and worthwhile getting him checked-out by a speech therapist. Has anyone has had any experiences going to a speech therapist in and around KL/Selangor and what to expect while there? Any advice and recommendations welcomed!


I'm aware that tongue-tie could lead to speech issues later on in a child's development. Could it also be a genetic predisposition? I realised too that I may have some speech issues, though they're not too obvious; a slight lisp and even a slight difficulty in pronouncing certain words. Could I be "tongue-tied" too?

#ChurpChurp 's top 30 influencers brought home a total of over RM120K the past year! Join them!

#ChurpChurp 's top 30 influencers brought home a total of over RM120K the past year! Join them!

The3Rs

I've been procrastinating. It's been a while since my last update, not because I haven't anything to update about, mostly because I've been very lopsided in my time-management.

I owe it to myself to start off on things I do to recycle, and here are some of the things that we (myself and kids) try to do. It's a fun activity but needs some guidance and supervision. It's a great way of putting creativity and recycling together. 

Home-made denim pencil case

One of my daughters is our designated designer. She comes-up with wonderful designs, sketches them and helps to create different styles for different items. One talented gal!

Hand-made rosette brooches

My other daughter is wonderful at sourcing for materials and putting together the designs. She actually has very deft fingers and is quite good at hand-stitching. The products seen are mostly done by my girls and we complement each other by putting together finishing touches (embellishment and for quality control aspects). 

I have more projects to do and more ideas to execute, however, time is always a constraint. But in a lot of ways I am extremely lucky, I have children who are very talented to begin with and are willing helpers! And I'm not the one who does the photo-taking either....

We can basically make use of most materials that come our way. We have quite a stash right now and lots of ideas. We are now waiting for the opportunity to put our ideas together to create more "stuff"!

Stay tuned!!! Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!!!