Parenting concepts (Part 3): Back to basics - Learning through living
Here are more of my thoughts on things happening around me, especially in relation to the children, family and our daily goings-on.
I was asked a few days ago by my eldest daughter, “Why do some of my friends say that I’m very motherly?” And I remember asking her back, “Do you think that is a bad or a good thing?” to which she replied, “I think it’s a good thing, but why me?”
My mind sped for a bit to re-organise my thoughts before I could come up with anything nearly-logical to say. “It’s probably in the way you carry yourself in school, a bit of an extension of what you are like at home. Perhaps it is “fitrah” (God-given), and to me, that is a very good thing to have, especially in a girl of your age. I think because you have younger siblings whom I too depend on you to help care for, it seems natural for you to be “motherly”; sort-of. And you both have been so natural at it that I’ve learned to trust your judgement when helping out with many chores at home! Good for me, Alhamdulillah for that!” To which her younger sister added, “Yeah, I think it is good training that we have younger siblings to help take care of and help around the house a bit. InshaAllah it’ll help me be a good wife, mother and a paediatrician!” We shared chuckles. My daughters smiled and seemed contented with my response then. The hugs that followed from our conversation were priceless! And I do expect more, perhaps tougher questions in future.
Parenting is never easy, neither is it completely natural or instinctive. However, there is this God-given instinct that most parents have, when put together with their own basic ideals, dreams and hopes for the family, makes the family able to grow appropriately. When we talk about “growing”, it is not just the “physical” aspect of growing that is necessary; it is also the emotional and mental growth which need nurturing too. And with more children, the task does not get easier or repetitive; it is a new process each time. Each child born is special; therefore I’m learning this process over and over again with every child; each one is unique in their growing-up process and each child will have different sets of needs during each stage of growth that I need to be attuned to.
Knowledge is key. My personal opinion is that, being an educated parent does not necessarily mean having a degree in child psychology or early childhood development or having taught in school or having been a caregiver for many children. Even someone who has not been blessed with any children is capable of being a good parent. It is how, when and where the person who is “parenting” uses the knowledge available to her/him in order to achieve the best possible outcome of a particular scenario with a child or fulfill a particular need of the child. Of course this process almost becomes “second nature” when dealt with on a daily basis…just like driving a car. We learn how to, practice, and eventually, after doing it for years, become good drivers…or do we? Along the way, we may pick-up bad driving habits; not signaling whilst changing lanes or turning; using the mobile phone whilst driving or worse, break rules altogether. Not unlike driving, when in parenting we develop bad habits (there’d be too many to list down here), the impact or effects of these bad habits may not be seen or shown instantly, in fact we may not even notice it at all, till many, many years later, perhaps upon reflection of the “what” and the “why” in a certain “bad” outcome/situation.
So how do we parents “equip” ourselves so as to not slip into bad habits? Tough question, that one. Education, self-realisation, self-understanding, knowing our potentials and limitations, going back to basics and practice, practice, practice; among others. In anything we do, these are perhaps our “recipe” to being successful. Of course different individuals would have different “yardsticks” of success in their lives. All that aside, in being a successful parent, one obvious yardstick is definitely “how the child/children turn out to be” as grown individuals themselves. However, it is easy to lose sight of the “process” when we focus too much on the outcome.
Yes, we want our children to do well in school and grow up to be “productive” individuals. We will go all out to ensure they get the best education/educators possible (tuition, tutors, study groups, educational materials/tools etc.), but sometimes, more often than not, we don’t let our children progress at their own pace, we don’t let them “explore” their capabilities, we don’t let our children “realise” their own dreams…we force our dreams upon them. Unfortunately, present-day school environment is partly to blame. The competitiveness that gets around in school, the pressure to shine and the exam-orientated system does not let our children “grow” in all aspects of their true potential. Sadly, our children are cajoled into accepting that what is acceptable within the system is all that they should strive for. Inhibiting the natural instinct of children where they grow and learn through play, use their imagination and creativity to nurture and shape their own learning style gets lost in this “struggle” that parents too, are occasional eager proponents of.
I feel left behind and in doubt (sometimes) when I feel that I need to go back to basics. I want my children home with me when they are not in school instead of them being in tuition centres/with tutors; I want them playing outside with their friends when the weather is fine instead of being indoors watching TV/being on the computer; I want them caring for their younger siblings instead of going out weekends with friends; I want them to be home baking/cooking/doing chores instead of having a maid around to help. Of course I sound/seem selfish, don’t I? And self-absorbed, do I? I really, really don’t know how else to be or do things! It is the way I was brought-up and it is the way I feel most comfortable with! Perhaps it is the only way I know how to deal with my children. Yet, I feel a great sense of comfort when I know that my hubby and children are comfortable with these arrangements too. We share our thoughts and feelings on most, if not all matters; we share laughter and cry together; we learn school-related stuff and other things together; we learn to cope as a family when hard times come knocking (Alhamdulillah, these have been few and far between); we do most stuff that most families do too…together. This “togetherness” I will have a hard time letting go of, when the time comes. I will keep on learning throughout my life!
For now, I imagine my children and us, their parents, will have to learn, cope and tolerate each others’ shortcomings as much and as well as we possibly can. Although it has never been easy and will perhaps get tougher when our children “enlarge” their circle of lives to include others, InshaAllah we will have the tools “ready” for all of us to use. It is a continuous learning process, never-ending, even. Parenting and being parents is a learned process and it is perhaps one of the toughest subjects not even taught in schools….
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